(AFNS-Madison) Governor Tony Evers (D) has decided that the pace of Covid-19 vaccinations isn’t fast enough in Wisconsin, so he is enlisting the personnel of the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources’ Animal Control division to help.

“Folks, it’s time we get serious about getting vaccinated,” Evers said in a statement April 1. “We need to get more people vaccinated more quickly to bring Wisconsin back.”

Evers said part of the Covid-19 relief money from the federal government will be used to cover the costs of the additional DNR Animal Control personnel in their efforts to vaccinate more Wisconsinites.

“By using the federal funds wisely, and not allowing our hands to be tied by the Republicans in the legislature, we will follow the will of the people to return Wisconsin to normal,” Evers said.

Using the Animal Control division, Evers hopes to vaccinate more people in their natural habitats: outside their workplaces, their homes, and in public spaces.

“Anywhere where our state agents can get a clean shot at folks with the dart guns,” Evers said. “Just as our agents can tranquilize a troublesome bear in a tree in the suburbs, we can also vaccinate reluctant Wisconsinites.”

DNR spokesman Trey Ugger explained how the process will work. “Our agents have a list of names in the state database of people who have already received a dose of the vaccine,” Ugger said. “Everyone else is a potential target for a rapid vaccination intervention. We’ll start in rural areas where we’ll have more targets of opportunity as well as more coverage from the natural foliage.”

Ugger said the vaccination program will probably be unpopular at first, but he expects the public will accept the vaccination efforts.

“Once they see their friends getting shot at a distance by state agents with a vaccination, the initial terror will probably increase voluntary compliance,” Ugger said. “After that, the public will probably help us find the few stragglers just for the entertainment of seeing someone shot.”

Ugger strongly suggested, however, that this vaccination policy will only be carried out by trained state agents.

“There will not be a human vaccination hunting season,” Ugger said. “At least, there is not currently the funding for it.”

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