Some friends of ours received some annoying unsolicited advice when one of them mentioned on social media that she spotted an injured coyote wandering through their three-acre share of the hundred acres of suburban woods. The advice spanned from who to call for help to shooting the animal to trapping the animal to whatever. Our friends finally had enough and said they weren’t looking for advice.

But then I couldn’t help myself.

“I think I know you well enough to offer some unsolicited advice. If there is an injured coyote around, it was most likely injured by a Sasquatch protecting his wild rabbit dinner. Squatches are quick and stealthy and quite capable of harming a coyote, yet they’re also known for restraint in dealing with other wildlife. Also, it’s well known only the Yeti, the Squatch’s Asian cousin, will eat a canine-like creature. Now – this is important – Squatches like semi-rural areas with three acre lots. Enough room to hide, too urban for hunters. You’re going to need to build an elaborate 8ft tall trap. Unfortunately the Wisconsin DNR and the local animal shelters aren’t much help with this, so you’ll have to construct it yourself with pine branches and Gorilla glue. Because humans conduct atmospheric electricity and trap it in their auras differently than Squatches, you need to wear aluminum foil hats while constructing the trap. Next, bait the trap with a breakfast sandwich from Dottie’s. Coffee works, too, but no decaf. Squatches hate decaf. When you catch the Squatch, signal the aliens with every blow up decoration you can find. They’ll heal the coyote and take the Sasquatch home.”

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