(Note: this first appeared in the “Life, Under Construction” newsletter. For subscription information, click the button below.)
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The Rules
Here are the official rules for Trick or Treat:
- If the kid does not say Trick or Treat, or does not entertain you, they get one piece of candy. If they say Trick or Treat, or perform in some way, they get to grab a handful.
- Do not play, “Guess the costume.” It’s annoying to kids and to any adults acting as a chaperone.
- Do not shout out sports scores to parents. Ask if they want to know. Some people watch the games later.
- Keep open flames in your yard display away from anywhere children are walking. That torch will only be cool if no super-flammable costume adds to the fire.
- Do not ogle the young ladies in the skimpy costumes who are probably too old to beg for candy. Who are you? Donald Trump
- Speaking of Donald Trump, keep politics out of it. I get it, the scariest thing you can imagine is another four years of Democratic/Republican rule. Kids don’t care. Nobody wants to argue politics. Put away the yard signs for a day.
- If you see a local politician with their kids, politicians are people, too. Smile, thank them for stopping by, give their kids candy, and write an angry letter to the editor rather than badmouth them in front of the children.
- Compliment the clever/funny costumes. Compliment the costumes worn by small children. Smile and nod politely at the lesser costumes. Sometimes it’s the best they can do for reasons you don’t know.
- Don’t worry about what neighborhood the kids come from. Are you there to hand out candy, or are you there to block the local schoolhouse door?
- As a parent, you are allowed to “tax” your children a certain amount of candy. You are not allowed to reach into the bag of any child that is not your own, no matter how tempting that full-size Snickers bar looks.
- Hand out candy. Gift certificates, coins, and religious pamphlets are NOT acceptable substitutes.
- Don’t “jump scare” the little kids. Crying children with wet costumes are not funny. Older kids and parents are fair game.
- Watch out when driving through the neighborhood. Kids are not paying attention and some of the cars are probably being driven by parents watching their children instead of the road.
- Watch a classic horror film while waiting for that knock on the door. I mean the classics, not anything produced after the original horror Hammer films. Or watch Young Frankenstein.
- If you have young children at the house, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” and the Disney version of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” are appropriate. Friday the 13th is not.
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